Extreme Twilight Madness
by Twilightlover1518
Summary: Be afraid. Be very afraid. *Backs away slowly*
1. Chapter 1

**Why the birds didn't go near Rose in BD. **

Birds: *Chirps happily and looks adorable while playing with Nessie and Jake*

Nessie: *Giggles* Birdie!!

Jake: :)

Rosalie: *Smiles at Nessie and secretly tries to set Jake on fire*

Birds: *In bird talk* Hey Louie, that blonde one looks kinda funny....

Rosalie: O+O

Louie: Yeah, I noticed.

Birds: Let's go check her out

Louie: Yeah, okay

Birdies: Peep Peep?

Rosalie: THIS. IS. SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Rosalie gets flame thrower and beats the crap out of the birds*

Birds: WHAT THE F-

EVERYTHING EXPLODES WHILE SOME RANDOM GUY LAUGHS EVILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: BAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHHAHA WAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MAHWAHAHAHAHAHBAHAHAHWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Edward: *From inside house, while Bella is still burning…..* O_O…..I will never understand how I got married and had kids…….O_o…..

ROFL THE END XD


	2. Edward's eye color

**Why Edward Walked Away in Twilight Movie After Bella Commented On His Changing Eye Color.....**

Bella: Hey did you get contacts?

Edward: No....

Bella: Oh, well I just thought 'cause.....well the last time I saw you they were black and-

Edward: Yeah, I know it's the uh.....florences and the.......

*In Edward's thoughts*OH SHIT I GOTTA FART!

Edward: *walks away*

Bella: ?????

**XD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL I couldn't resist XD**


	3. Edward and the Pizza

**What Edward did after he ate that pizza in the Twilight book......**

Bella: You're not getting all that for me are you!?

*In Edward's thoughts* OH SHIT

Edward: Of course not, half is for me of course.

*In Edward's thoughts again* YOU BITCH!

Bella: M'kay....

*AT THERE SPECIAL TABLE FOR JUST DEM....... :D*

Edward: *bites into pizza*

*In his thoughts*: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!? THAT WAS THE STUPIDEST FU.........I'M GONNA STAB YOU! I'M GONNA FUCKIN STAB YOU!!! YOU BITCH!! YOU FUCKIN ASSHOLE!!!

Edward: *Throws Bella the rest of the pizza* O_O....

*AFTER SCHOOL WHEN THEY PAAAAARRRRRTTTTTTTT*

Edward: OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG

*Edward makes a mad dash for the bathroom*

Edward: *Pushes Rosalie aside*

Edward: MOVE BITCH!!!!!

Edward runs into bathroom and makes a huge dunk.

Edward: Aaaaaah. Much better

**.........Even I didn't see that coming and I wrote this........O_o......XD!!!**


	4. Victoria

**What Victoria was thinking while James was doing the creepy stare and Laurent wouldn't shut up.....**

*IN HER THOUGHTS GOT DAMN IT DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS EVERYTIME!?!?!?!?!?!?!!? I mean....in her thoughts hehe....O_O*

Oooooh, I can't wait to get home. I'm missin the young and the restless for dis shizz? *Sucks teeth* Pshhhhhh Helllllllz to the naw. James sooo owes me for dis crap.

I don't know who he think he dealin wit. I'll set it up in herr. I'll stab a motha. I will burn this place DOOOOOOOOOOWN.

Carlisle: Well, alright. *Throws ball*

Victoria: *Catches with ease* I'm the one with the wicked curve ball.

*IN HER THOUGHTS*

Yeah, I'm gonna shove this ball up Jame's A-

**O_O..........**


	5. Edward and Jacob

**The real reason Edward hates Jacob**

Jacob: Oh, need some help?

Bella: I-

Edward: Jacob, I got it. *SCOWL*

Jacob: *SCOWL*

*In Jacob's thoughts* : HAHA, THAT'S WHY I TOOK YOUR LUCKY CHARMS STICKER!!!! SUCKER!!!!

*In Edward's thoughts*: :O!!!!!!!! T-T!!!!!! YOU MEANIE!!!!!! I'M SO TELLING MY DADDY ON YOUUUUUU

Edward: I leave you alone two minutes, and the wolves decend.

*In Edward's thoughts* MY FOOT IS ABOUT TO DECEND IN THE WOLVES' A-

**...............hehe? O_o...**


	6. The Voulturi

**What Edward Did in Volterra, Italy, To Make The Voulturi Agree To Kill Him......**

Edward: Aro

Aro: LIKE OH MY GAWDZ. IT'S LIKE EDDIE WARD FUCKIN CULLEN!!!

Edward: WASSUP BITCH!?

Aro: Psh, not much my home boyyzzzz. Wat chu herr fow?

Edward: I'm being emo, so kill me bitch

Aro: Oooh, girl problemz?

Edward: Tellz me about it.

Aro: Oooh, child, I've been there beforez.

Edward: Tragic.....

Caius: :/..............

Edward: YOOOOO ARO! You look goood

Aro: Psh, you know it!

Edward: Except for dem shoes. They tow up.

Aro: O_O........YOU MUST DIE!!!!

Edward: YOU MOTHER FUCKER!

Aro: Sooo tomorrow when the sun comes out?

Edward: IT'S A DATE! :D

***Author walks off to see mental doctor at an Asylum.....***


	7. Edward's real name

**Edward Cullens' Real Name......**

Bella: Who are they?

Jessica: Oh. Those are the Cullens. Doctor and Mrs. Cullens' adopted children.

The blonde one is Rosalie, and the big dark haired one is named Emmett. They're like a thing. The dark haired girl is named Alice. She's really weird. And the guy is Jasper, who looks like he's in pain all the time. They're all together. Like, together together. I'm not even sure that's legal....

Angela: Jess, there not actually related.....

Jessica: Well I know, but.....they LIVE together. It's weird. Doctor Cullen is like this, doctor/matchmaker.

Angela: Maybe he'll adopt me.....

Bella: Hey, who's that one?

Jessica: Oh, that's Michael Jackson Cullen. He's really popular and runs around screaming 'HE HE'

Bella: :/ Nah, I don't think so. Let's just call him Edward

Jess and Angela: :D

**LOL Stupid, I know. No desrespect Mike J. RIP :(**


	8. Edward's reason for living

**The Real Reason Edward Calls Bella, His Reason For Living.......**

Random Person (my brother lol): Rock paper sisscor...SHOOT! *Makes paper*

Edward: *Makes Rock*

Edward: DAMN! RE DO!!

Random Person: NOPE! HAHA LOSERRRR!!!! You have to do this dare for the rest of your life or you shall die.

Edward: Damn........

Random Person: You shall stay with Bella Swan for the rest of your life

Edward: *Drops to knees* NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

**LOL? O_o???? **


	9. Edward's real identity XD

**Edward's Hidden Secret.......**

Bella: Your impossibly fast.....your skin is pale white and icy cold.....you sometimes speak like you're from a different time....you never eat or drink anything.....I know what you are.

Edward: *In his thoughts* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: Say it, out loud....Say It!

Bella: Vampire.

Edward: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!! OMG!!! for a second there, I thought you actually figured it out XD

Bella: *is shocked into silence*

Edward: *Sucks teeth* Girllllll, you don't know nothin!*snaps fingers in Bella's face* Girlz, I thought chu knewz!

Bella: O_O........

Edward: *sucks teeth louder and stomps foot* It's me fool! *Rips off Edward costume*

Bella: WTF!?! BARNEY!?!?!?!

Barney: Damn straight bitch!

Bella: OMG I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE PRE SCHOOL!!!!!

Barney: I KNOW GIRL!!!!! *Opens arms*

Bella: *JUMPS IN ARMS FOR HUG*

Bella: So, how you is?

Barney: I is aight how are you, you crazy twit

Bella: *in mans voice* Aw man, it's good to see you man

Barney: You too dawg

Bella: *Takes off Bella costume*

Barney: So, you still doing that show?

Bella: *in gay mans voice* Yeah, of course I am. Who else is going to be the fourth teletubie?

**..............................**


	10. The Dream

**Why Edward Really Likes To Watch Bella Sleep..........**

Bella: *sleeppy sleep sleep.....*

Edward: *Sneaks into room while humming mission impossible*Dun, dun na na na na na.........DUN!!!!!!!!!

Bella: *SPRINGS UP* WHAT THE FUCK!?

Edward: O_O......You don't see anything!!!!!

Bella: Oh. Okay, good night Edward

Edward:'Night Bella! :)

Bella: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz *DROOOOOOLLLLLL*

Edward: ew.....

Bella: *Talking in sleep* PURTY PINK PONIES......OH EMMETT, GIRLLLLLLLL YOU SO STUPID!!!! *Laughs like a man on crack*

Edward: *Eye twitches* What......the.....fuck.....?

Bella: Oh, Jasper, you silly boy......of course I like whipped cream....

Edward: HOLY SHIT!

Bella: Oh, yah, right there Jake......mmmm.....perfect........ *GIANT MOAN* SO GOOD!!

Edward: OMFG!!!!!!

Bella: Edward you're so stupid......you don't put it in that hole......

Edward: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! *Jumps out window*

**Bella's Dream.........**

Emmett: HEY BELLA! REPEAT AFTER ME!!! PURTY PINK PONIES!!!

Bella: OKAY! PURTY PINK PONIES!!!!!

Emmett; YO MOMMA!! XD

Bella: XD!!!! EMMETT, GIRRLLLLLLLLZ YOU SO STUPID!!!! *Same stupid laugh as I said before*

Emmett: WTF is wrong with your laugh?

Bella: I don't knowz..... *goes cross eyed*

Jasper: HEY BELLA, WANT SOME WHIPPED CREAM ON YOUR SUNDAE?

Bella: Oh Jasper, you silly boy! Of course I like whipped cream!!!! :D

Jacob: Hey, where do I put these chocolate sprinkles!? Here?? *Sprinkles them over ice cream*

Bella: Oh, yah, right there Jake. Mmmmm.....perfect (EATS YUMMY SUNDAE) *GIANT MOAN* SO GOOD!!

Edward: Hey Bella, where does the game controller switch go?

Bella: Edward, you're so stupid. you don't put it in that hole...

Edward: Oops... :)

**MORNING TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
**

Bella: *Yawns* What a relaxing dream..... Hey where's Edward? I know I saw him last night.....eh oh well......

**In Volterra Again........**

Edward: KEEEEEL MEEEEE :(

Aro: The dream?

Edward: the dream........

Aro: *rolls eyes*

**OKAY, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING! I'M CRAZY RIGHT!?!?!! WELL, YOU GUESSED CORRECTEDLY! I CAN'T SPELL!!!!! DX!!!!!!! I GET ALL FREAKIN A'S AND I'M THIS RETARDED?!?!?!!?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TOO!?!!?!???!?!! lol review....OR I WILL STAB YOU!!!! **


	11. Who really killed Bambi's Momma

**Why Bella Can't Be Left Alone While In The Kitchen......**

Edward: Alright love, I'll be back later. Can you not kill yourself please?

Bella: *Puts down gun* Awwww. Okay. :)

Edward: O_o.....*backs up slowly and keeps eyes on Bella before closing the door and leaving*

Bella: I'M HUNGRRRRRRRRYYYYY.......OOOOH A NOTE! IT SAYS.................Bella, please go in the kitchen and kill yourself as much as you please! Love, Edward. AWW!! HE DOES LOVE ME!!!

***What Note Really Said......***

STAY!

love Edward

(A/N Bella has a kind of diasease where she only sees and reads and hears what she wants...)

**When Edward Came back from hunting..............**

Edward: I'm back Be- MOTHER FUCKIN ASSHOLE SON OF A BITCH SHIT FU-

***After Edward said every freakin curse word in the book.....in 75 languages.......including sign language.......***

Bella: Um.....oops? *Has blood everywhere*

Edward: WTF BELLA WHY!?!!?

Bella: *Shrugs and walks away*

Edward: *picks up Bambi's mother*

Edward: *holds deer close to heart* WWWHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PORQUE!??!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *He says why in 75 languages.....including sign language.....again....... O_o.....*

**Upstairs.......**

Bella: *finishes venison (meat from deers) sandwich* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!

**And I repeat; ..............**


	12. Edward hates hunting now

**The Real Reason Edward Says He's A Monster......**

Cute little deer: Baaaaaaaaaaa

Edward: DIE MOTHA FUCKA! *Drains deer*

Cute little dear: Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Takes dirt nap*

Edward: .............. *drops to knees* Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

**........................................................................................................ wtf is wrong with me? O_o**


	13. I don't even know

**What Edward Did In Eclipse After He Left Bella With Jacob..........**

Edward: *runs in a really gay like way* CAAAAAAAAARLLLLLLLLLL!!! (a/n if you watched Llmas in hats, you'd know where I gotten that from lol and he's adressing Carlisle)

Carlisle: ????????? What?

Edward: THEY COMIN TO GET ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Yelps like girl and falls to the ground, hand on his forhead, at Carlisle's feet*

Emmett: ..............MAMA LUIGI!!!!!!!!!! *EXPLODES*

Rosalie: *SIGHS EXASPERATEDLY AND STARTS TO PLAY BARBIE GIRL AND DANCE TO IT RANDOMLY*

Jasper and Alice: *Plays patty cake at vampire speed* (A/N STOP THINKING THAT WAY!!! THE HAND GAME YOU IDIOTS!! DX)

Esme: *Knits and talks on phone* OOOOOH GIRLZZZZZZZZZ YOU SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XD!!!!!!!

**When Edward Gets Back To Bella.....**

Bella: Is everyone alright?

Edward: They're stable....

**UMMMMMMMMM OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????????????????????????? O_o....????**


	14. Singing Is Bad For Your Health

**How Edward Really Killed Victoria.....**

Edward: *SINGS*

Victoria: *SETS SELF ON FIRE*

Edward: *Presses random Staples Button* Well, that was easy XD

**......................................................................**


	15. Micahel Jackson Again!

**The Reason Bella Is So Damn Pale.........**

Bella: FLORESENCE!

**The End...........nah, here's the real reason;**

Bella: I'M FIRIN MY LAZOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Wait, that can't be right.......?**

Bella: SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**WTF!?.........OH! I'm sitting on the 'make characters retarded button'.....my bad X)**

Bella: Well, I'm the spawn of Micahel Jackson.

Me: ............................................................................................................................................................Micahel Jackson?

Bella: NO! Not Micahel Jackson! Michael Jackson!!

Me: *checks to see if is sitting on button*

Bella: Here's how you pronounce it! Mick I El, Jacks onny

Me: .............. *checks button again*

Bella: Fine don't believe me then!

Me: Don't worry, I don't. :)

Bella: *HURUMPH!* *STORMS OFF*

**I don't even understand what I just wrote down. These are really just senseless drables............. O_o......................???????**


	16. The short impression

**The Real Reason Edward Got Uncomfortable When Bella Wanted "The Wrong Impression" Again......**

Bella: I wouldn't mind if you tried to give me "the wrong impression" again......

Edward: *IN THOUGHTS* OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!

Edward: Aren't you tired yet?

Bella: No.......................*presses self agaisnt Edward*

Edward: *IN THOUGHTS* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Edward: *runs out room screaming*

Bella: ?!?!?!?!?!?!!?????........

**Lol, for you who don't understand, well, let's just say Edward comes up short...... *WINK WINK* X)**


	17. Biology Class

**Quick Author's Note;**

_**Hey people. I just wanted to point something out. If you haven't already figured this out, then read. If you have, then proceed onto reading the story. Okay anyways, on the top of the page, where it says Rated, Did you notice that it's rated K and the whole story is practically curses and rated M material? **_

_  
**Yeah, that's part of the joke. Anyways, enjoy the story :)**_

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**The Real Reason Edward Left So Fast In Biology**

Edward: *Stares like creepy stalker guy who's still somehow sexy as all get out*

Bella: ?????????????? *SWOON*

Edward: *Still stares. And is still sexy as a mother fucker*

Bella: *Stares at out corner of eye*

Edward: *IN THOUGHTS* OH SHIZZZZZ THIS BITCH IS FIIIIIINEEEEEEE!!!! I wonder if I can get her into the janitor's closet.....OMFG NOO EDWARD! RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!! *Screams like girl*

**BELL GOES OFF!!!!!  
**

Edward: *runs like a bitch*

Bella: ???? waaaaaa............sexy mother fucker....... :(

**XD.........**


End file.
